Can I Be Seen?

What does it mean to be seen? Perceived?

It’s funny I remember the first time I tried to get started promoting my business on Instagram. My niece was then twelve years old. She helped me write a script, put the script on her phone, propped up my phone next to hers so I could record on one and read from the other, and told me ‘it’s okay it’s okay’ every time I messed up. I can still hear her baby voice in my ears. I still let it echo every time I mess up.

My first videos were scripted, stilted, and took me over fifty takes to just post something. Anything! Now, years later, I don’t need a script to get on video and speak. But every single one of my friends, the people who know me best, all say that my true essence doesn’t come through in my videos. The person in those videos is not the person they know and love. And I am certain that the reason why my videos are not resonating is because it isn’t me in them.

When I speak to someone one to one in person, it is heartfelt and true. It is all of me speaking to all of you. When I am hidden behind my keyboard or putting pencil to paper, I can let my soul speak. Often, I am writing to myself ten years ago who felt so trapped. Often, I am writing to the one young woman who feels as stuck and trapped today as I did then, knowing that by some magic my words will find her.

But in a world where we have to be online, be seen, be perceived, show up in pictures and videos over and over again all day every day, gain a following, it feels terminal. I do not want to be in front of a camera. I do not want to be a dancing monkey. I just want to speak from my heart to your heart. Is that too much to ask?

As I have walked this marketing journey, trying to promote myself, my books, and all my heart has to offer, it has been extremely interesting to see how it effected my internal world. It is interesting the internal ghosts and shames and wounds that have risen to the surface. Old pain that I did not realize was still there.

Sharing myself, my words, and these books in the world means I have to be perceived. I have written them and put my soul into them. Now my soul is out in the world being perceived. Now my soul has to be marketed. Now I have to be in front of a camera and ask people to please look at me and buy my books.

It feels wrong on every level.

My entire life, being perceived has always been a bad thing. As a woman in a male dominated workplace it was bad to be perceived. As a woman trying to live, grow, breathe, exist in a male dominated world, it is bad to be perceived. I remember being thirteen and fourteen years old walking down the main, extremely busy street in my small home town and cars honking at my friends and I. The drivers shouting lascivious obscenities. I remember being touched without consent. I remember my ideas being discounted and dismissed because of my gender. It has always been a danger to be perceived.

But I no longer have to live that way. I have chosen to leave male dominated spaces. I have chosen not to work with anyone who dismisses me, who talks down to me, who objectifies me. I am now walking into rooms where people light up when they see me. Where I am seen as an authority. Where my physical being has no bearing on the value I offer. I no longer have to be in hiding. I can just be. I can show up. The same way I show up on the page. Real. Honest. Vulnerable. Speaking my truth. Who I am and what I want. I can show up to the world. Claim my spot in it. Say I am worthy. Say I deserve it.

But the habits of a lifetime are hard to break. Every time I am celebrated, I am bewildered. Every time a stranger follows my blog, I am in awe. Who me? You want to hear from me? Holy cow thank you for listening! It is so strange to me when people show up for me. It is so strange to me when people want what I have to offer. I know logically that I am an excellent coach, writer, and tarot reader that has helped many people through difficult moments in their life and helped them make significant breakthroughs. I have the incredible track record to prove it. I’m so proud of the work I’ve done thus far.

And still I am surprised.

So going back to where I started, what does it mean to be seen, perceived? I’m not exactly sure. I’ve experienced being seen as a threat, as a potential for violence. I’ve experienced it as celebration, as an invitation to share more. I haven’t exactly landed in it yet. Will there ever be a future me that doesn’t mind being seen? A future me that can pop up in front of a camera as her truest, soul honest, real self and just say the things? I don’t know. Maybe I’m not a talk in front of a camera kinda gal. Or the path I am walking will bring me to a place where I feel safe enough to be present no matter if there is a camera around or not.

Either way, I am extremely curious where all of this is going to go. So far I’ve rather enjoyed it. Every time the real, soul honest, me is perceived and celebrated I am first bewildered and then I let myself sink into it. I allow myself to enjoy it. It’s a new feeling I’ve never felt before, but one I enjoy. I’m going to keep going.

“Go where you are celebrated, not merely tolerated.”