Radical Self Trust

‘Mother knows best.’

‘Listen to your father.’

‘Respect your elders.’

These are the phrases we hear growing up.

And yes, to some extent, they are true. Our parents, our caregivers, have greater experience and know more than we do. They can show us the pitfalls they have plummeted into, how to avoid them. Where the rocks and steppingstones in the river of life are in order to safely traverse difficult terrain. I do not discount in any way the wisdom of our elders. Their songs. Their stories. How their words can guide us through life.

But also.

I believe each individual is born with an inherent wisdom. A personal inner wisdom. A wisdom that makes one person a great artist and another a great athlete. Skills and talents that a person is inherently coded with in their DNA. As a child develops, they show natural inclinations, they are drawn to certain toys more than others. They are drawn to certain stories, certain topics in school, more than others. This is their personal wisdom that shows where their talents lie.

But caregivers, parents, teachers, the world at large do not always encourage these talents. For one reason or another they do not notice, do not tend to, or ignore altogether the talents of the child in their care. There is the idea of creating a ‘well rounded’ child instead of tending to a child’s unique abilities. I have always found this strange. People generally are not well rounded. They are lopsided. It is rare to be equally gifted in sciences and languages and math. A personally generally leans to one area. It is unnatural to force their focus in a circle to be equal in all topics when they have a natural proclivity to one or two, not six or eight. By making someone well rounded they become mediocre in all topics rather than strong in their natural one.

There are also parents who want their children to fulfil a goal they never achieved or got to pursue. This superimposes a parent’s inner knowing overtop of their child’s. A child wanting to please their parent, to receive their love and praise, erases their inner knowing to try to accept their parent’s knowing for them.

Organized religion also instructs us to not trust our own inner knowing. Instead, adherents to a religion are taught to follow the leader of their congregation, the rules in a book, their parents, and for women they should follow their spouse. One religion that is quite popular in the United States instructs women to ‘die to yourself’ and supersede what is natural to them with their spouse’s instructions, their church’s teachings. A guru will do the same thing. He will instruct you in the ways of the spiritual tradition he follows and will tell you that he is a channel for wisdom. That you as a novice cannot possibly know. That a novice cannot possibly receive the wisdom of the deity or know what is best for them. The guru also supersedes their will overtop of their followers’.

Quite quickly, a person’s individual inner knowing is lost due to their socialization as a child and the instructions they receive as an adult.

As a result, every choice in life requires a group consensus. We’ve all been there. We ask friends, ‘What do you think?’. We scour the internet for advice. We listen to podcasts. Sometimes in desperation we ask perfect strangers. We are so used to asking everyone around us instead of looking inward and asking ourselves. It feels impossible to decide, especially the important decisions, without first asking everyone you know.

Should I stay with my boyfriend? Should I dump my girlfriend? Which job should I take? Where should I live?

All of this becomes impossible to decide.

We’ve been conditioned, especially women, not to trust ourselves. So the act of trusting our decision without consulting anyone else - that is a radical act.

One of the keys to these decisions is the illusion of a choice being something that needs to be chosen logically. Instead of looking inward and using the wisdom that we have from childhood and knowing. There is a difference between a decision and following one’s inner knowing.

This powerful knowing is similar to how our cells work. Cells don’t need to be told their function. They are created knowing their function. A cell inherently knows it is a blood cell or a liver cell or a brain cell. It does its function. It replicates itself. It repairs itself. Damaged cells are discarded to be replaced by new cells. Our cells are constantly working to repair and fix. Our cells want us to be healthier and better. Our cells know what is best for us. Our cells don’t make choices, they know.

Children know how to do this. If you ever have seen a child grabbing what it wants, it does so decisively. They don’t do it by committee. They don’t ask for a group consensus if this is right or not. If this is the next right step. They fling themselves forward with the hope and trust that their feet or their parent will catch them and grab exactly what they want. Children follow their inner knowing inherently. Children know their function just as their cells inside them know their functions. It is only later that children forget.

So what is Radical Self Trust? Radical Self Trust is returning to the inner wisdom and knowing that we are all born with. It is accepting that you know your truth, your wisdom, your path better than anyone else. It is the practice of looking inwards for an answer before looking anywhere else. It is the process of abandoning living by group consensus. This is not easy. We have been conditioned and socialized to accept others’ words, plans, ideas as true for us. So returning to our own truth requires a great deal of work. But, personally, I believe the work is worth it.

Instead of living a mediocre life of consensus to what everyone else thinks is right for you, you can live a fulfilling life of what is right for you.

Beauty

We don’t show our scars enough

The imprint of a wedding ring removed

Stretch marks

The signs of a life fully lived

Botox removes our wrinkles

Signs that we have thought and smiled and frowned

Signs of emotion and expression

We don’t show our scars enough

We turn into wax dolls

                Beauty is a strange thing. What we think of as beautiful. What we are drawn to. What we think of as ugly. What we are repulsed by. How much of it is innate? How much of it are we taught? How much of it is somebody selling something?

                Beauty is a strange thing. So much of what is socially and commercially accepted as beauty is an erasure of any sign that we have experienced something beautiful. We smile, laugh, our eyes widen in delight. We take in the beauty of the world and over time laugh lines and squint lines develop on our faces. But we are told that those lines that came from the wonder of the world are themselves not beautiful and must be erased.

                Beauty is a strange thing. It is sold as perfection. That we must hide any and all imperfections to be deemed beautiful. Think of the base layer of makeup. Foundation. Concealer. Cover every inch of your face before we can put any color or decoration. Hide what you look like to beautify what you do not look like. I always found it strange that I had to put on concealer to hide any redness in my skin before putting on blush to add a healthy looking red flush to my skin.

                Beauty is a strange thing. What is it about flaws that make us turn away? What is it about perfection that makes us look? I still cannot separate in my mind what I find beautiful because I was taught it was beautiful, and what I find innately beautiful. I wonder if what repulses me actually repulses me or I was just taught to be repulsed.

                The most beautiful moments of my life have not been the most glamorous. I have been beautified by some of the most incredible beauty experts in the world. Flawless makeup that took my natural features, covered them, and painted me a new face. Hair perfectly coifed. Wardrobe perfectly tailored to suit my body, and show off it’s assets. I was stunned at my transformation. I drew the eye of every person in every room I walked into. But I didn’t look like myself. I didn’t feel beautiful. My natural features, my face was lost, and I felt as though I had an inch of mud on my face. From the outside looking in I was beautiful. From the inside I felt gross, and could not wait to wash my face.

The most beautiful moments of my life have been the most tender, the most raw, the most real. The human moment of connection. The human moment of seeing beyond a façade to connect to another person, in truth. This is a beauty beyond words, description. The beautiful moment of holding a new child in your arms. The beautiful moment of embracing through tears in shared grief. The beautiful moment of harmonizing in song, your voice matching another human’s voice, carrying each other skyward. The beautiful moment of reunion after months of separation from someone you love. The beautiful moment of seeing my grandmother’s wrinkled face, no make up, smiling her joy when she sees my face, no make up.

There is beauty in the surreal, there is beauty in the human. I don’t think I know what beauty is exactly. But I have clarity on what beauty is not to me.

I do not want to be made of wax. I do not want to pursue perfection.

I do want to made of flesh and bone. Of tears and heart. I want to pursue humanity.

I want to pursue a life.

Everyone Needs a Pack of Wild Girlfriends

                It has been my experience in life, as a female bodied and female living human being, that everyone needs a pack of wild girlfriends. Here is why:

One: To remind you of who you are

                The longer someone knows you, the better they’re able to remind you of parts of yourself you lost along the way. As time passes, we must adapt to the struggles of living in this world. Those adaptations can cause us to lose ourselves.

                 New wild girlfriends can bring you back to yourself, too. Do not despair if you have broken ties with wild girlfriends of your youth. Being in the right community for you is important. And entering into that community can reignite a spark you lost along the way.

Two: To have a safe space

                Everyone needs a safe space where they can talk without being judged or ridiculed. Where every part of them is welcome. Where they do not need to mask their truths. A place where they can be utterly honest, be embraced, and feel safe to exist.

Three: To explore, to test limits

                When you feel safe in a group, you can try out new parts of yourself that are emerging. Perhaps you do not feel safe to show a new wild wardrobe or a growing part of your personality to the world at large. A pack of wild girlfriends is a safe place for new growth to be tested and limits to be explored.

Four: To shit talk

                Let’s face it. There’s shit in our lives. There are struggles. There are battles. There are people who just rub us the wrong way. In a safe group of wild girlfriends, we can shit talk and that’s okay. Our girlfriends know that this is a pressure release valve and necessary for sanity, but not malicious. We trust our words will go no further. We can vent out what does not serve us.

Five: To be mothered, sistered, aunted

                Adults need someone to care for them, too. It’s a strange thing in our world that once a person reaches adulthood we act as if they do not need nurturing anymore. Nothing could be further from the truth. Every human, regardless of age needs nurturing. In a pack of wild girlfriends, you can receive the nurturing that you need and deserve. You can receive the support you need when life gets rough. Or even when life isn’t rough, someone cheering you on and believing in you is magic.

Six: To mother, sister, aunt others

                There is reciprocity in this. Sometimes you are the one being nurtured. Sometimes you are the one nurturing. I believe this is also a quintessential human need: to care for others and be needed by others in a community. Someone relying on you can give a sense of purpose that other life tasks just do not give.

Seven: To feel less alone

                To just simply be with others. To have a place to go and be with others who care for you and hold you in loving regard.

But also, to have others validate your experiences by saying they’ve felt that way, too. To sit with someone, share something personal, and have that person say, ‘Oh my goodness! Same! Same! Same!’ Both of you are released from a prison of secrecy and perhaps even shame because you both have had the same experience.

Eight: To increase confidence

                Being loved and accepted by a pack of wild girlfriends bolsters your self-esteem, your confidence. Knowing that there is a group out there that accepts you helps get through almost any situation. They know you and like you and have your back. So you can do anything.

Nine: To get valuable feedback

                When you’re being a shit you need someone to call you on your bullshit. Period. A real pack of wild girlfriends will tell you when you are being a shit, call you out, and help you course correct.

Ten: To gain new perspectives

                No two human beings have the same lived experience. That is quite impossible. Spending time with wild girlfriends will allow you to learn from their experiences and perspectives. It will give you insight that you haven’t thought of yourself. Whether you are sharing a problem or just chatting about life, you get a chance to hear about life from another person’s perspective and learn something new.

And of course: TO BE WILD

                Whatever wild feels like and looks like to you. It could be going out dancing until the wee hours. It could be to fan girl over the same celebrity. It could be drinking tea on a Sunday afternoon. Wild looks and feels different to everyone. But really it is to let loose in a way that feels real and good and untethered. A true expression of self.

LET ME BE CLEAR

                A pack of wild girlfriends can be just two people. It does not need to be a crowd. It can be as small or as large as feels comfortable. It can be as diverse in gender, age, race, lived experience, etc as necessary. The minimum is that all members of the group feel safe to show up as themselves, not mask their truth, and feel seen, heard, and nurtured as a pack member.

Some examples of packs: a grandmother and granddaughter; a sorority, a yoga class, an aunt and niblings, sisters, a study group for a macro economics class. A pack of wild girlfriends can come together anywhere from any origin for any reason as long as there is safety and care built in.

I believe in the need for such a group for each human being with my whole heart. It is my goal in life to cultivate such spaces.