Beauty

We don’t show our scars enough

The imprint of a wedding ring removed

Stretch marks

The signs of a life fully lived

Botox removes our wrinkles

Signs that we have thought and smiled and frowned

Signs of emotion and expression

We don’t show our scars enough

We turn into wax dolls

                Beauty is a strange thing. What we think of as beautiful. What we are drawn to. What we think of as ugly. What we are repulsed by. How much of it is innate? How much of it are we taught? How much of it is somebody selling something?

                Beauty is a strange thing. So much of what is socially and commercially accepted as beauty is an erasure of any sign that we have experienced something beautiful. We smile, laugh, our eyes widen in delight. We take in the beauty of the world and over time laugh lines and squint lines develop on our faces. But we are told that those lines that came from the wonder of the world are themselves not beautiful and must be erased.

                Beauty is a strange thing. It is sold as perfection. That we must hide any and all imperfections to be deemed beautiful. Think of the base layer of makeup. Foundation. Concealer. Cover every inch of your face before we can put any color or decoration. Hide what you look like to beautify what you do not look like. I always found it strange that I had to put on concealer to hide any redness in my skin before putting on blush to add a healthy looking red flush to my skin.

                Beauty is a strange thing. What is it about flaws that make us turn away? What is it about perfection that makes us look? I still cannot separate in my mind what I find beautiful because I was taught it was beautiful, and what I find innately beautiful. I wonder if what repulses me actually repulses me or I was just taught to be repulsed.

                The most beautiful moments of my life have not been the most glamorous. I have been beautified by some of the most incredible beauty experts in the world. Flawless makeup that took my natural features, covered them, and painted me a new face. Hair perfectly coifed. Wardrobe perfectly tailored to suit my body, and show off it’s assets. I was stunned at my transformation. I drew the eye of every person in every room I walked into. But I didn’t look like myself. I didn’t feel beautiful. My natural features, my face was lost, and I felt as though I had an inch of mud on my face. From the outside looking in I was beautiful. From the inside I felt gross, and could not wait to wash my face.

The most beautiful moments of my life have been the most tender, the most raw, the most real. The human moment of connection. The human moment of seeing beyond a façade to connect to another person, in truth. This is a beauty beyond words, description. The beautiful moment of holding a new child in your arms. The beautiful moment of embracing through tears in shared grief. The beautiful moment of harmonizing in song, your voice matching another human’s voice, carrying each other skyward. The beautiful moment of reunion after months of separation from someone you love. The beautiful moment of seeing my grandmother’s wrinkled face, no make up, smiling her joy when she sees my face, no make up.

There is beauty in the surreal, there is beauty in the human. I don’t think I know what beauty is exactly. But I have clarity on what beauty is not to me.

I do not want to be made of wax. I do not want to pursue perfection.

I do want to made of flesh and bone. Of tears and heart. I want to pursue humanity.

I want to pursue a life.

Everyone Needs a Pack of Wild Girlfriends

                It has been my experience in life, as a female bodied and female living human being, that everyone needs a pack of wild girlfriends. Here is why:

One: To remind you of who you are

                The longer someone knows you, the better they’re able to remind you of parts of yourself you lost along the way. As time passes, we must adapt to the struggles of living in this world. Those adaptations can cause us to lose ourselves.

                 New wild girlfriends can bring you back to yourself, too. Do not despair if you have broken ties with wild girlfriends of your youth. Being in the right community for you is important. And entering into that community can reignite a spark you lost along the way.

Two: To have a safe space

                Everyone needs a safe space where they can talk without being judged or ridiculed. Where every part of them is welcome. Where they do not need to mask their truths. A place where they can be utterly honest, be embraced, and feel safe to exist.

Three: To explore, to test limits

                When you feel safe in a group, you can try out new parts of yourself that are emerging. Perhaps you do not feel safe to show a new wild wardrobe or a growing part of your personality to the world at large. A pack of wild girlfriends is a safe place for new growth to be tested and limits to be explored.

Four: To shit talk

                Let’s face it. There’s shit in our lives. There are struggles. There are battles. There are people who just rub us the wrong way. In a safe group of wild girlfriends, we can shit talk and that’s okay. Our girlfriends know that this is a pressure release valve and necessary for sanity, but not malicious. We trust our words will go no further. We can vent out what does not serve us.

Five: To be mothered, sistered, aunted

                Adults need someone to care for them, too. It’s a strange thing in our world that once a person reaches adulthood we act as if they do not need nurturing anymore. Nothing could be further from the truth. Every human, regardless of age needs nurturing. In a pack of wild girlfriends, you can receive the nurturing that you need and deserve. You can receive the support you need when life gets rough. Or even when life isn’t rough, someone cheering you on and believing in you is magic.

Six: To mother, sister, aunt others

                There is reciprocity in this. Sometimes you are the one being nurtured. Sometimes you are the one nurturing. I believe this is also a quintessential human need: to care for others and be needed by others in a community. Someone relying on you can give a sense of purpose that other life tasks just do not give.

Seven: To feel less alone

                To just simply be with others. To have a place to go and be with others who care for you and hold you in loving regard.

But also, to have others validate your experiences by saying they’ve felt that way, too. To sit with someone, share something personal, and have that person say, ‘Oh my goodness! Same! Same! Same!’ Both of you are released from a prison of secrecy and perhaps even shame because you both have had the same experience.

Eight: To increase confidence

                Being loved and accepted by a pack of wild girlfriends bolsters your self-esteem, your confidence. Knowing that there is a group out there that accepts you helps get through almost any situation. They know you and like you and have your back. So you can do anything.

Nine: To get valuable feedback

                When you’re being a shit you need someone to call you on your bullshit. Period. A real pack of wild girlfriends will tell you when you are being a shit, call you out, and help you course correct.

Ten: To gain new perspectives

                No two human beings have the same lived experience. That is quite impossible. Spending time with wild girlfriends will allow you to learn from their experiences and perspectives. It will give you insight that you haven’t thought of yourself. Whether you are sharing a problem or just chatting about life, you get a chance to hear about life from another person’s perspective and learn something new.

And of course: TO BE WILD

                Whatever wild feels like and looks like to you. It could be going out dancing until the wee hours. It could be to fan girl over the same celebrity. It could be drinking tea on a Sunday afternoon. Wild looks and feels different to everyone. But really it is to let loose in a way that feels real and good and untethered. A true expression of self.

LET ME BE CLEAR

                A pack of wild girlfriends can be just two people. It does not need to be a crowd. It can be as small or as large as feels comfortable. It can be as diverse in gender, age, race, lived experience, etc as necessary. The minimum is that all members of the group feel safe to show up as themselves, not mask their truth, and feel seen, heard, and nurtured as a pack member.

Some examples of packs: a grandmother and granddaughter; a sorority, a yoga class, an aunt and niblings, sisters, a study group for a macro economics class. A pack of wild girlfriends can come together anywhere from any origin for any reason as long as there is safety and care built in.

I believe in the need for such a group for each human being with my whole heart. It is my goal in life to cultivate such spaces.