Living Your Life
What we talk about when we talk about living life really.
“ …I have my phone pressed hot against my ear. Chelsea and I are trying to talk, but there is too much to say.
“I think I’m running out of time, honey,” I say finally. “I’m not trying to be dramatic, but here’s what I worry about: What if you are too?” She knows what I am saying. She is working harder than anyone I have ever known, but her selflessness has caused her to surrender too much of herself to ‘someday’. And now someday has come, at least for me.
Whenever I have fallen apart she has reassembled the pieces. I know she wants to reach through the phone and pull me back into our bubble, where one of us cries and the other diagnoses the problem with merciless affection.
“I have to go,” I say finally. “I’ve got to adjust my meds.” But we just sit there, clinging to goodbye, before I say at last: “Go live your life, Chels.”
All these words I am tripping over are benedictions. Live unburdened. Live free. Live without forevers that don’t always come. These are my best hopes for you, that you press forward at last. I don’t know how to die, but I know how to press this crushing grief into hope, hope for them. It doesn’t sound like goodbye. It sounds more like this: Fare thee well, my loves.”
I don’t want to miss out on my life. I don’t want to count on a someday that never comes. There is too much that holds us back from living. We get so distracted by to do lists, meaningless tasks that consume our lives. We get caught up in the pursuit of an end game, a goal, a place that feels like stability and safety and lose what could unfold in a day. Each day has the potential for joy. But we delay our enjoyment until someday. It is so common to think that weekdays are for work and weekends are for enjoyment. It is so common to think that if we put in the work now, that we will get to have fun later. But as Kate Bowler points out, that day might never come. Personally, I am not willing to take that risk.
Workaholism is the most widespread illness in my country. Wake up, drop the kids at school, spend the day working, pick up the kids, serve dinner, put the kids to bed, watch Netflix, collapse. Rinse and repeat. We call this a life. Where is the living? We are zombies that shuffle back and forth from home to work with little in between. Where is the life? Why have kids if you don’t get to know them, get to enjoy them? Why have a home if you’re never there? Why have a job that doesn’t fulfill you?
The United States has the least paid leave days and the second least paid vacation days in the world. That is astonishing to me. Out of totalitarian countries, out of dictatorships, out of countries with forced labor, child labor, the United States is dead last. We have an illness and addiction and a strange cultural mentality that work is all that exists. Why is no one allowed to take a break, to rest? Why is no one allowed to enjoy their life, their money earned? If we work so hard to earn, why not get to have time to enjoy what we have earned? It has gotten to the point that colleagues have to ‘donate’ their leave days to each other in order to have surgery, to attend to a sick child, to attend a once in a lifetime event. This has become normal. It baffles me. Why can’t the employer just grant more leave?
At any dinner party, any social gathering, I’ve even been to in the United States, I have always been asked ‘What do you do?’ as the first question upon meeting someone. I never understood this. Especially because I have always had jobs that I felt ill defined me. I never once identified with my job as who I am as a person. I never have liked leading with a title to say something about who I am. No title has ever really said much about who I am.
“Everybody’s working for the weekend… Everybody’s goin’ off the deep end”
We are lost in work, we are lost in goals, we are lost in trying to earn enough to survive. In that maze we have lost what matters most. Everything that makes us human – our capacity for joy, wonder, and love.
When my first nephew was born, it was the closest, most front row seat I got to have to watch a human arrive into the world. From seemingly nothing and nowhere there was a baby, a whole other human that never existed before. I got to hold him when he was two hours old. I watched his infancy as he discovered the world. First, he found out he had hands. Then he found those hands could grab things in this world. I watched his exploration as every new object entered into his newborn bubble. I was as spellbound by him as he was spellbound by each discovery he made. I looked around at the people in our family, the people around us. They were oh so busy. And I felt like screaming, ‘Do you see this? Do you see this miracle right here? This human who just showed up out of nothing is discovering what it means to be in a human body and interact with the world. You are missing it! You are missing it! How can you just go about life as normal?”
This is just my personal example of what I marvel at. What makes me stop and go wow. Not everyone is entranced by the development of a child. But there is something that entrances each of us. Something that makes us stop, our stomachs turn, and the world tilt on its axis. Suddenly, the world is different. It could be the development of a plant in a garden or the construction of a building, a beloved family pet perhaps. Each of us has the capacity for wonder. For awe. We don’t use that in our lives. We are missing it.
The checklist of what makes up a life goes something like this: after you are born, go to preschool, then kindergarten, go to school, to high school, to college, get a job, get married, have a baby, have two, buy a house, retire, and maybe then you might get to enjoy your life.
What I want for my life. What I want for all of us. What I want in my life is delight. I want to be surprised and delighted. I want joy. Laughter. Enjoyment. I want to act from a place of love. To let every decision I make be led from my heart and not my brain.
Leading with my heart has led me to places I never expected to be. But I can say truthfully that every logical decision I have ever made has made me unhappy and every heart led decision I have ever made has made me happy.
Living this way takes practice. It takes time to learn to hear your heart and learn what it is trying to tell you. It takes time to have faith in your heart. To shut out all the outside voices. To shut out the shoulds and have to’s. And to become intimately familiar with one’s one inner direction.
Choosing this way of living is terrifying. It comes with a healthy dose of fear. Because there is no logic under it. There is no security net. There is just faith. Faith that my heart will lead me in the right direction. So far it has.
Let me be clear. I am well aware that not everyone has the privilege and ability to get out of survival mode to live a heart led life. There are so many, too many, who have to work to survive. I wish for many things in this world, in this country. But what I cannot seem to fathom, in this country, one of the wealthiest in the world, we cannot afford somehow for everyone to have a living wage and time off to enjoy their wages? In a country with this much wealth, we cannot afford to take a break?
“I will not die an unlived life
I will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance;
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.”
Beauty
What we talk about when we talk about beauty
We don’t show our scars enough
The imprint of a wedding ring removed
Stretch marks
The signs of a life fully lived
Botox removes our wrinkles
Signs that we have thought and smiled and frowned
Signs of emotion and expression
We don’t show our scars enough
We turn into wax dolls
Beauty is a strange thing. What we think of as beautiful. What we are drawn to. What we think of as ugly. What we are repulsed by. How much of it is innate? How much of it are we taught? How much of it is somebody selling something?
Beauty is a strange thing. So much of what is socially and commercially accepted as beauty is an erasure of any sign that we have experienced something beautiful. We smile, laugh, our eyes widen in delight. We take in the beauty of the world and over time laugh lines and squint lines develop on our faces. But we are told that those lines that came from the wonder of the world are themselves not beautiful and must be erased.
Beauty is a strange thing. It is sold as perfection. That we must hide any and all imperfections to be deemed beautiful. Think of the base layer of makeup. Foundation. Concealer. Cover every inch of your face before we can put any color or decoration. Hide what you look like to beautify what you do not look like. I always found it strange that I had to put on concealer to hide any redness in my skin before putting on blush to add a healthy looking red flush to my skin.
Beauty is a strange thing. What is it about flaws that make us turn away? What is it about perfection that makes us look? I still cannot separate in my mind what I find beautiful because I was taught it was beautiful, and what I find innately beautiful. I wonder if what repulses me actually repulses me or I was just taught to be repulsed.
The most beautiful moments of my life have not been the most glamorous. I have been beautified by some of the most incredible beauty experts in the world. Flawless makeup that took my natural features, covered them, and painted me a new face. Hair perfectly coifed. Wardrobe perfectly tailored to suit my body, and show off it’s assets. I was stunned at my transformation. I drew the eye of every person in every room I walked into. But I didn’t look like myself. I didn’t feel beautiful. My natural features, my face was lost, and I felt as though I had an inch of mud on my face. From the outside looking in I was beautiful. From the inside I felt gross, and could not wait to wash my face.
The most beautiful moments of my life have been the most tender, the most raw, the most real. The human moment of connection. The human moment of seeing beyond a façade to connect to another person, in truth. This is a beauty beyond words, description. The beautiful moment of holding a new child in your arms. The beautiful moment of embracing through tears in shared grief. The beautiful moment of harmonizing in song, your voice matching another human’s voice, carrying each other skyward. The beautiful moment of reunion after months of separation from someone you love. The beautiful moment of seeing my grandmother’s wrinkled face, no make up, smiling her joy when she sees my face, no make up.
There is beauty in the surreal, there is beauty in the human. I don’t think I know what beauty is exactly. But I have clarity on what beauty is not to me.
I do not want to be made of wax. I do not want to pursue perfection.
I do want to made of flesh and bone. Of tears and heart. I want to pursue humanity.
I want to pursue a life.
Everyone Needs a Pack of Wild Girlfriends
What we’re talking about when we talk about community, friendship, and mutual support.
It has been my experience in life, as a female bodied and female living human being, that everyone needs a pack of wild girlfriends. Here is why:
One: To remind you of who you are
The longer someone knows you, the better they’re able to remind you of parts of yourself you lost along the way. As time passes, we must adapt to the struggles of living in this world. Those adaptations can cause us to lose ourselves.
New wild girlfriends can bring you back to yourself, too. Do not despair if you have broken ties with wild girlfriends of your youth. Being in the right community for you is important. And entering into that community can reignite a spark you lost along the way.
Two: To have a safe space
Everyone needs a safe space where they can talk without being judged or ridiculed. Where every part of them is welcome. Where they do not need to mask their truths. A place where they can be utterly honest, be embraced, and feel safe to exist.
Three: To explore, to test limits
When you feel safe in a group, you can try out new parts of yourself that are emerging. Perhaps you do not feel safe to show a new wild wardrobe or a growing part of your personality to the world at large. A pack of wild girlfriends is a safe place for new growth to be tested and limits to be explored.
Four: To shit talk
Let’s face it. There’s shit in our lives. There are struggles. There are battles. There are people who just rub us the wrong way. In a safe group of wild girlfriends, we can shit talk and that’s okay. Our girlfriends know that this is a pressure release valve and necessary for sanity, but not malicious. We trust our words will go no further. We can vent out what does not serve us.
Five: To be mothered, sistered, aunted
Adults need someone to care for them, too. It’s a strange thing in our world that once a person reaches adulthood we act as if they do not need nurturing anymore. Nothing could be further from the truth. Every human, regardless of age needs nurturing. In a pack of wild girlfriends, you can receive the nurturing that you need and deserve. You can receive the support you need when life gets rough. Or even when life isn’t rough, someone cheering you on and believing in you is magic.
Six: To mother, sister, aunt others
There is reciprocity in this. Sometimes you are the one being nurtured. Sometimes you are the one nurturing. I believe this is also a quintessential human need: to care for others and be needed by others in a community. Someone relying on you can give a sense of purpose that other life tasks just do not give.
Seven: To feel less alone
To just simply be with others. To have a place to go and be with others who care for you and hold you in loving regard.
But also, to have others validate your experiences by saying they’ve felt that way, too. To sit with someone, share something personal, and have that person say, ‘Oh my goodness! Same! Same! Same!’ Both of you are released from a prison of secrecy and perhaps even shame because you both have had the same experience.
Eight: To increase confidence
Being loved and accepted by a pack of wild girlfriends bolsters your self-esteem, your confidence. Knowing that there is a group out there that accepts you helps get through almost any situation. They know you and like you and have your back. So you can do anything.
Nine: To get valuable feedback
When you’re being a shit you need someone to call you on your bullshit. Period. A real pack of wild girlfriends will tell you when you are being a shit, call you out, and help you course correct.
Ten: To gain new perspectives
No two human beings have the same lived experience. That is quite impossible. Spending time with wild girlfriends will allow you to learn from their experiences and perspectives. It will give you insight that you haven’t thought of yourself. Whether you are sharing a problem or just chatting about life, you get a chance to hear about life from another person’s perspective and learn something new.
And of course: TO BE WILD
Whatever wild feels like and looks like to you. It could be going out dancing until the wee hours. It could be to fan girl over the same celebrity. It could be drinking tea on a Sunday afternoon. Wild looks and feels different to everyone. But really it is to let loose in a way that feels real and good and untethered. A true expression of self.
LET ME BE CLEAR
A pack of wild girlfriends can be just two people. It does not need to be a crowd. It can be as small or as large as feels comfortable. It can be as diverse in gender, age, race, lived experience, etc as necessary. The minimum is that all members of the group feel safe to show up as themselves, not mask their truth, and feel seen, heard, and nurtured as a pack member.
Some examples of packs: a grandmother and granddaughter; a sorority, a yoga class, an aunt and niblings, sisters, a study group for a macro economics class. A pack of wild girlfriends can come together anywhere from any origin for any reason as long as there is safety and care built in.
I believe in the need for such a group for each human being with my whole heart. It is my goal in life to cultivate such spaces.