Vulnerability Hangover

I am having the MOTHER of all Vulnerability Hangovers.

I wrote two books. Did I tell you that? (They are available here.)

So I wrote these two books and they are the most honest, real, hearts on my sleeves things I have ever done.

For the last four years, I have been on a journey to find the real me. Peeling back layer after layer. Trying on new layers. Taking them back off again.

Who am I? Who am I trying to be in this lifetime? And what am I trying to? But that exploration was largely private. It was quiet, unnoticed. Not scrutinized by the world.

But now I’ve gone and done something that in retrospect seems truly insane. I’ve taken that journey and my experiences and put them in a guided journal so others can hopefully benefit from my experiences and begin waking up to a life they love. My intentions when I started this were good. I don’t want others to feel trapped and stuck and like their souls are crying out for help. So I wrote this guide.

And now it is out there. For anyone to see.

And it requires of me to be further vulnerable by doing things like this blog, like posting to IG, writing newsletters, and generally telling people who I am, what I do, where I’ve been, what I’m trying to do, what I’m trying to be, and that I have books out there.

I’m kicking myself. Why did I ever do this? What if no one buys it? What if no one shows up to the book launch? Worse what if everyone buys it and it’s actually terrible and useless? What if a thousand things and this entire endeavor is just wrong?

I am terrified and ashamed and just plain wrong.

I feel shame at the audacity of being myself out loud. How dare I? It’s one thing to be myself quietly in my own home. But out loud? In front of people? In a real book with an ISBN? How dare I take up space? How dare I ask for people’s time and attention?

I just want to not. Tell everyone forget about it. Just forget the whole thing. I was just kidding. Never mind this whole book thing. Disappear the books. Chalk them up to a fever dream.

When I get to this state, I know what to do. I look at the feeling and ask it what the hell? Well, not exactly. I get curious. I ask the feeling what is happening? I write an inquiry and see what is going on inside me. This is a journal exercise modeled after Liz Gilbert’s Letter to Love.

So I wrote:

Dear Vulnerability,

What do I need to know? What would you have me know about this experience?

Vulnerability wrote back:

Dearest Darling Sarah,

You are alright. You may not feel alright. But you are. You will not die from being honest, vulnerable, and real. You will not die from shame. And by the way, you’ve done nothing shameful. You have alived yourself! You said you want to alive yourself, well, here it is! Being alive isn’t just sunshine and roses and joy. It is this, too. It is the full spectrum of emotions. It is Vulnerability, shame, fear, and healthy trauma responses. You’ve been conditioned to fear feeling vulnerable. Don’t. Fear not feeling. Fear not feeling fear. Fear going away from yourself. Fear becoming frozen inside. Do I need to break into a rendition of Let It Go? The message of that song still holds. Let go of holding yourself back from being cold inside. Let go of holding yourself back from being you all the way. What you’re feeling doesn’t mean dial it down. It means dial it up. Welcome to the human experience. You’re gonna love it. You’re doing great.

Love & courage,

Vulnerability.

So I shared all of what I am going through with this vulnerability hangover with a trusted community that I get to gather with once a month. I shared the above feelings of vulnerability hangover. When talking with them, I remembered something. I have been learning to be softer with myself. I am very exhausted by the extreme way I have been going through life. I am always running, rushing, pushing, stressing, trying, striving. As I noticed in my last blog, Choosing Your Words, I have been using the words of capitalism, patriarchy, and hustle culture when there is no need. I have been stuck in the mentality that the books have to ‘do well’ without even gauging for myself what does it mean for a book to do well?

When I pause to think about it, for me, a book does well when it exists. These two books are the first two books I have ever finished to publication among dozens that have I abandoned. These books exist. That is all they need to do. That, in and of itself, is remarkable.

My community members invited me to write an alternate vision of the book launch. They invited me to imagine the best, softest, most beautiful version. So I did. I wrote it in past tense as if it already happened. This is what I envisioned:

Here’s what happened when I launched my book: I relaxed. I let go. I was present. I got to enjoy. I got to celebrate. I had copies of both books. They both sold out. I was free from attachments to outcomes.

AND THEN

People read them and loved them!

I get text after text.

Email after Email.

Five star reviews on Goodreads.

It was all easy. I got invited onto podcasts and interviews.

I celebrated and was celebrated. I felt no shame. Just joy.

My books sell and continue to sell thousands of copies.

My books are my calling cards. What I am known for and because of them, I have a waitlist of clients eager to begin coaching.

These books are a peaceful respite in a chaotic world. Readers, journalers, find respite in these books.

I trust fall into fate and she catches me with the love of a thousand grandmother’s hands and tucks me in. She sings me a lullaby, and it goes: congratulations my love you did it. way to go. not only are you a best selling author but also your books have sent a ripple effect into the world allowing more and more of us to be.